You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize