My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
