I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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