Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
