I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
