woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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