i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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