I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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