He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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