I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
