She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
