I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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