I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
