I wish I could punch you in the face.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
