i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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