i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
