The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
