I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Mom said you looked used
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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