i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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