How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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