these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
