"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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