hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
