i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
