Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
