I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
