Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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