hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
