I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
