after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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