Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
