Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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