after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
