Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
