From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
