i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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