I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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