Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
