Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
