on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
