i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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