My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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