My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
