Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize