I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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