bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
