Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
