She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
