You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize