I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
