I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i was born a porn star she said
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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