Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
