your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize