I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
