YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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