Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
