tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize