Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
