I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
