i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
