The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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