If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
