im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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