I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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