The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
