why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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