THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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